Hilang tak bermakna tiada


p/s: kenangan itu cinta

Rasa nak melompat. Hanya itu yang dapat aku gambarkan apabila mendapat panggilan dari Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam (JPA) untuk datang ke pejabat untuk menandatangani boring opsyen bersara 60 tahun. Pada mulanya, aku hanya menjawap sambil lewa, tetapi entah kenapa tiba tiba aku terfikir, kalau ,JPA masih mencari aku, maknanya jawatan lama aku masih ada dalam perkhidmatan. So, maknanya juga aku masih belum lagi lepas jawatan. Dan maknanya lagi, aku berada dalam zon selamat. Sama ada untuk kekal berkhidmat untuk JPA, atau memilih Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia.

Bukan aku tidak berminat dengan Jururawat Masyarakat ni, cumanya aku tidak larat kena maki, aku tak larat kena ugut, aku tak larat kena layan macam budak tadika, macam aku ni takde guna, aku tak larat dengan semua itu. Aku tak larat bila aku buat kerja sampai lebih dari had, aku dimaki, dimarah, dituduh tidak melakukan kerja. Sedih aku bila memikirkan semua benda yang aku buat tidak dihargai bahkan dipandang sebagai tidak ada apa apa. Aku khabarkan kepada mak, bahawa opis lama panggil aku balik, dia bertanya dengan sedih, adakah aku akan berhenti belajar. Aku jawap, tidak, cuti aku masih ada setahun setengah lagi.
Aku rindukan suasana pejabat, aku rindu dengan keypad computer, aku rindukan mesin fotostat kadang kadang aku rasa menyesal bila memasuki dunia perawatan ni. Tidak seindah yang aku bayangkan, banyak lara dari ketawa, banyak duka dari gembira. Bukan aku tidak berminat berkhidmat dengan masyarakat, tapi aku tidak mampu untuk menerima maki hamun, keji dan amarah. aku masih ada perasaan yang lemah dengan dugaan.

Jadi sekarang aku tidak kisah jika masih ada yang mengugut aku, ugutlah, makilah, hinalah.. kerana kamu semua tidak mengetahui bahawa aku sebenarnya tidak mengharap pada jawatan ini.. Ngeh ~






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